another day of pain

well we went to court and after being threatened with complete loss of my children if i didnt do exactly as ex's lawyer said i caved and gave him 50 /50 custody of the girls. so now my children are in danger. this so called man couldnt take care of isabella for a couple hours let alone her and the baby for a week. i am utterly discusted with our court system that they would let and abusive man keep 2 baby girls alone for a week at a time. pray for my children for they might as well be left to fend for themselves

Its been awhile

Sorry everyone i know its been awhile since i posted anything. ive been having more spouse problems and its really put a strain on me. but ive been talking to soneone whi has made me see a brighter day and reminded me that i can be happy and that things will work out if i follow my heart. So i am now working on a plan to get into a better place in life.On a side note we got a cute baby calf named stevie yesterday and he is so loving. he bit my butt though which i must say was not that cute from my point of view. Isabella is doing descent with her potty training and lilly is still nursing like a champ. actually shes nursing so well i feel drained at times.

I am currently waiting on my new and first beco butterfly baby carrier to arrive , mail lady must think im crazy by now. once it gets here i intend to start hiking again, i really miss it. i wish i could had the funds and could talk dear sis into going together to buffalo river just me and her and go canooing. im still here as of now but things are starting to look up. now if only i can get my car fixed

the pain

a poem i wrote the other night when i was in such pain from all thats been going on
im the girl who hides her pain with a smile that brightens everyone elses day
so now here i lay the pain is always and will not go away.
my life is crap and crap itll stay.my love is hate my hate is love
this time i can not rise above.
i want and need to leave but stupid me i still cleave.all i ever wanted was a simple life 
to be a mother,and wife.i love my girls but i cant fight no more,i wish i would just fall dead to the floor. dear god take away the pain. cant you see slowly get it over already.
take me out of this place im so past ready

happy new year

well 2008 has come and gone and now we begin 2009. i hope everyone else had a better year than us, there are some i can never forgive and some i can never forget.